You can't prove it 'cause you can't smell vodka.

All I Want For Christmas....

2011-07-19T13:30:00.003-04:00

Even if I do manage to land a spot on Santa's Nice List, something tells me it won't be the 35k Nice List.

But, one can always drool....

Ow.

2011-03-17T22:22:00.003-04:00

Found this in a Publix parking lot in Brandon, FL. My brain hurts now. Thank you, whoever parked this pile of zebra vomit there that day....

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It!

2009-12-13T20:16:00.004-05:00

This kid's got the moves! I have no idea who it is but it's a good laugh...

Heheheeeee!

All Dogs Go To Heaven

2009-12-13T19:44:00.014-05:00

When I was a kid I had as much trouble as any 10 year old sitting quietly through mass. We grew up Catholic and this is how I remember it...

Sit. Stand. Kneel. SHHH!! Sit. Kneel. Are your knees hurting yet? Ok, good. Keep kneeling. SHHH!! Stand. Sit. Kneel. Sit. Eat this. Drink this. Now put money in the basket.

The marquis by the road was the same as everything else. Very boring. It always had the same message. Someone may have reworded it occasionally but it always said basically the same thing. Something along the lines of: JESUS LOVES YOU or YOU ARE PRECIOUS IN GODS EYES. I got these pictures in an email with a note attached that said these churches face each other from opposite sides of a busy street....

Yeah! Take that!

New Moon

2009-12-09T15:44:00.017-05:00

Sarah posted this and I thought it was pretty funny. I'm totally addicted to The Twilight Saga and I already saw the movie.

http://www.mamapop.com/mamapop/2009/12/5-reasons-i-am-not-going-to-see-new-moon-in-the-theater.html

The comment about Taylor Lautner made me feel better about the fact that seeing him with his shirt off made me want to lick the screen. Now I know I'm not the only one. I mean, he was Sharkboy in "Adventures of Sharkboy and LavaGirl" in 2005. He was what? 12... maybe?!

So how, in 4 years, did he go from "Oh how cute! I just want to pinch his cheeks!" to...

"Oh how sexy! I just want to pinch his butt!"

I still feel kinda creepy about the fact that I had thoughts like that about a teenager but at least I know I'm not alone.

I'm still definately Team Edward (Did I really say that? I'm such a dork.) but this kid kills me.

So yeah... Hi Taylor's mom!

HAHAHAHAaaaaaa!!!!

2009-06-11T15:35:00.000-04:00

Holy poop this is funny!!

http://www.poop-freeze.com/

Unclaimed Property MUST READ

2008-10-21T12:30:00.003-04:00

I was on hold with an office in Tallahassee for a Driver's License issue. The girl that I talked to told me I had unclaimed property and to go to fltreasurehunt.org to find out what it was and to claim it.

Turns out it was a payroll check from when I first moved back to Florida years ago and took a temporary job at a restaurant. That's a real bonus when times are so tough. I had no idea it was still floating around out there.

I just thought it might be worth checking it out to see if you have something like that to claim. It can't hurt to check!

I found their diaries....

2008-10-16T12:29:00.006-04:00

Excerpts from the dog's diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from the cat's diary:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. ; I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

I love these guys....

2008-10-15T01:00:00.002-04:00

...and I just keep finding more...Teeheeheeee....

Another sweet kitty.....

2008-10-12T18:42:00.004-04:00

This one explains itself....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear MTV,

2008-10-08T19:58:00.003-04:00

I was scrolling through the guide on my TV today looking for something to watch besides Spongebob reruns when I came upon you guys. The program you have scheduled to play tonight at 8pm is called "Sex With Mom and Dad."

WTF?!?!

Oh, the chills!!!

That is disturbing on so many levels it makes my everything feel sick.

Ew!

I don't have any desire to know what that half hour of digital entertainment could possibly be about but I was just wondering... you know what.... never mind. I'm not wondering anything.

Bbbbbllbbbbblllaaaaaah.....

Helplessness

2008-10-01T18:54:00.005-04:00

Grasping the sides of his ribcage and holding him as far as humanly possible away from himself, wretching (bad) the whole way, Michael gets his son Kyle to the bathroom as fast as one can run with a 2 year old dangling from the ends of his outstretched arms.

I couldn't stop laughing because when I came out of my room - on the other end of the house - I smelled why. My dad was busy running from room to room opening windows. It wasn't your typical baby poo. This house is quite large - 6 bedrooms and 3 baths large. Kyle lit it up. There wasn't a single square foot of living space that didn't smell like the re-incarnate of evil stankiness. Yes, its was that bad. Up his back bad and on his shoes bad, in fact. So, with both of them literally wretching, who do you think was going to clean up this bomb? Especially when all we could find was an old cloth diaper and a couple of safety pins? Me, that's who. These two men both have children -- more than a couple. I have a cat. My diaper changing obligations (even just wet diapers) are optional, and I haven't opted to change more than I can count on one hand in 25 years.

Men are helpless. Completely and totally helpless.

I have to give Michael credit for trying. He just wasn't going to be able to do this without projectile vomiting. And why is it that men look at cloth diapers like they're a joke? Anyway, I found this quite humorous and I know Lori's laughing. She's known Michael all his life too. Long enough to get a pretty good visual....

Men (when it comes to babies) = helplessness

Cat Toys

2008-09-30T16:07:00.004-04:00

Oliver doesn't do cat toys. At all.

Rolaids, on the other hand, F'N ROCK!!!

Hey look more kitties!!

2008-09-30T00:48:00.008-04:00

I find these quite humerous. They actually make me laugh out loud. I guess being a cat lover/parent helps but I know a couple other people that will appreciate them also. Hope you at least get a grin out of them...

One question... my tissues have been.... fighting?!?

What is a blog?

2008-09-26T20:26:00.003-04:00

I have been asked that question several times, but I never had the it put quite the way my dad put it today on the phone...

My Dad: "What's a blog?"

Me: "Well it's...."

My Dad (cutting me off): "I was thinking about that today and it sounds to me like one of those enormous boogers it takes two fingers to pick."

Me: --hysterical laughter-- (I have a gross sense of humor, I know)

My Dad: "So if that's the case, I'm glad I'm not a blogger... they have it rough. Which reminds me, next time you talk to your sister, tell her I said hi."

Hehe... hehehehe......... HA!.... HAHAHA!! .......Lori's a blogger.......

Ok this is really hard...

2008-09-22T17:02:00.003-04:00

So once again I've been looking to food to fix, well, everything. Boredom, aggravation..... everything.

I started the 'diet' thing again yesterday. My fat clothes are starting to get hard to fit into again. That's sad. My sister used to call me "Skinny Minnie" but now my friends call me "Squishy." Seriously, I'm not kidding. Scott was trying to be sweet. I made a comment about my fat rolls a couple weeks ago and he said:

"You're not fat, you're..... you're squishy."

It stuck. Damnit. He was honestly trying to be nice (I think) but he fucked it all up. Boys tend to do that. So anyway I'm 'dieting'. For me that means eating normally. Only when I'm actually hungry and not eating cake or danishes just because they're on the kitchen counter when I walk by. You wouldn't think it would be that hard but when you've gotten into the habit of eating constantly... quite literally constantly, it's not so easy to do.

I'm cranky... very cranky...

I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh, look a kitty!!

2008-09-22T16:59:00.001-04:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Name That Bird

2008-09-14T17:40:00.006-04:00

Redtail Hawk?

That's what I was thinkin', that's why I got a closeup of his/her tail. The pictures of redtail hawks I found online had red tails (who'da thunk it?) but I don't see any red on this one. He/she has been living in our back yard for a couple months now. It doesn't mind us getting close. It's not shy. I was only about 15 ft. away taking these pictures. Kinda cool to look out the window and watch him/her. Anyway, if you know anything about birds and can tell me what I have living in the back yard it would be appreciated. I have found several that look similar.

Thanks!

Playdog Centerfold

2008-09-14T17:22:00.008-04:00

I give you 'Budley'. He's our very own sexy pinup pup.

Tell your poodle to wipe her chin. She wants him... you know it.

It's elementary, my dear Watson!

2008-09-14T13:51:00.008-04:00

Mystery 1 - The maid. Mail doesn't run on Sundays.

Mystery 2 - He shot the mirror.

Mystery 3 - Frost forms on the inside of the window.

Mystery 2 & 3

2008-09-13T11:40:00.002-04:00

These are kinda easy so here are both of them.

Mystery 2:

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.
He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

Mystery 3:

Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:
"I was walking by Mr. Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside.
That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Quote of the Day

2008-09-12T14:16:00.001-04:00

When a woman steals your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Hehe....

I'm gonna be an EMT!!!

2008-09-09T14:53:00.009-04:00

My mother reminds me constantly ever since my sister's wedding that I am quickly approaching thirty and have nothing to show for almost three decades of life. The last conversation started when a guy friend of mine came to the house to do some work she wanted done. This is how it went -

Mom (as he was pulling out of the driveway): "He was cute."

Me: "He's just a friend, mom."

Mom: "When are you going to reel one of these guys in and keep him?"

Me (to myself): "Thanks a lot, Lori. You just had to go and get hitched and point her in my direction."

I love my mother and wouldn't trade her for the world, but damnit man.

I don't care to have anything at all to do with men at the moment and I don't see that changing in the near future. But I am going back to school. Maybe that will ease the pressure a little bit.

Lori said one time that she wished she could float through life the way I do.

Be careful what you wish for.

It's miserable. Mom's right. I'm looking thirty squarely in the eye. I've never been in a relationship that had a snowball's chance in hell of going anywhere and once I had a high school diploma, the thought of going back to school only crossed my mind long enough for me to think "I'll do it later." It gets to a point where you honestly start to wonder what the hell the point of life is. When getting up to pee in the morning is your biggest accomplishment for the week you feel more than useless. It's seriously depressing. Big time.

So I decided it was time to establish a goal or two. And I did. I'm going back to school. I'm going to be an EMT. It's going to be expensive, and it's not going to be easy but nothing in life worth having comes easily. It took me almost 26 years to figure that out. Maybe if I stay in school for a while I won't get any more of the hints and/or direct questions as to when I'm going to find a boy and "reel him in." I don't know if I'll be able to handle the grandbabies comments. Did you get them Lori?

Anyway, I'm excited, I can't wait to get started and I had to share.

Did you give up on the riddles and mysteries Sarah?

Three Mysteries

2008-09-06T16:39:00.001-04:00

I got an email that was titled "Three Mysteries" which was exactly what was in it... go figure.

I figured I would post them instead of more riddles. (My life is very boring at the moment. This is way more fun, trust me.)

So here's the first one:

A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police.

The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:

The wife said she was sleeping.

The cook was preparing breakfast.

The gardener was gathering vegetables.

The maid was getting the mail.

The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer.

Who did it and how did they know?

Riddle #4 Answer

2008-09-02T13:47:00.002-04:00

Well Sarah, since you're the only person that ever reads my blog and Dad answered it without even thinking about it, here's the answer...

The Great Lakes

Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, Ontario

There are five, lakes being blue (as in true blue).

Lake Michigan belongs to the United States, the other lakes are shared by the United States and Canada.

The lakes are part of a chain, with locks between some of them.

Many shipwrecks occur by grounding on rocks in shallow water.

The initials spell "homes", which are found in neighborhoods.

Riddle #4

2008-09-02T13:35:00.002-04:00

Five siblings are they, their color is true;

One belongs to one, four are shared by two.

Connected together, some by locks;

Many meet their fate upon the rocks.

Arrange their initials, and you should

Find things that are found in a neighborhood.

What has just been described?

The most incredible thing I've ever done...

2008-08-26T14:06:00.026-04:00

Becky's 45th birthday - 8-8-08.

She originally wanted to go to Vegas because the Chinese said something about that date being the luckiest something or other and you're blessed to be alive on that day. How we ended up in Clewiston I'm still not really positive but I wouldn't trade that day for the world.

There aren't words to properly describe the experience but I can tell you that if you ever have the opportunity, DO IT. It's absolutely amazing to put it mildly. It's the rush of all rushes, the adrenaline surge of all adrenaline surges, and the escape of all escapes.

This was the easy part. Cheese for the camera, get into the plane with the tandem instructor. (Why are the hot ones always so damned short?)

It was a little Cessna 306. Held together with duct tape, carpet padding and paper clips. When I got in and looked around, I was glad I was jumping out...

In the plane with John. This was fun. I gave him shit but he could dish it out too. John, Lisa (the videographer) and I laughed hysterically for about 20 minutes up there.

The airport was the size of a dime and you could see Lake Okeechobee and follow the Okeechobee River all the way to where it emptied into the Gulf of Mexico from where we jumped out.

He said I was going to get a "1, 2, 3, go!"

He fibbed.

Grab your balls, ladies, here we go!

Now the best part...

It's indescribable....

I can't even begin to tell you how freeing it is.

It seems like a lifetime before you actually pull the chute but you only freefall for about sixty seconds. The ride after the chute is pulled lasts 6-8 minutes depending on how much you play while you're up there. I told him I wanted a wild ride so he pulled the toggles on the chute so hard and fast we flipped over the canopy about three times before we hit the ground. It's crazy to see your canopy and then the ground below you when you look up. It almost doesn't make any sense.

I'm addicted. I can't wait to do it again. Lori and Matt don't know it yet but they're planning on going with me for my birthday. 3/12/09 guys. Mark your calendar.

I'm going to see if I can get my video posted if anyone's interested. It's a lot more fun. It takes you from the beginning to the end. Sarah, how do I do that?

4th of July in Daytona Beach

2008-07-13T14:27:00.015-04:00

Well, I guess I could post pictures and tell you about our long weekend in Daytona Beach.... almost two months later... sorry again. I swear I apologize in this blog more than anything else. Anyway... on to the pictures.

We had a blast. We got there Thursday night and the rum flow started. We drank, ate well, wandered around Main St. and the Pier, spent Saturday at the track tailgating and watching the race and enjoyed a beautiful private beach house with a great view and a kayak in the garage. The fun started on Thursday and didn't stop until Sunday evening.

Part of the view down the beach from the back deck at the house. We spent a lot of our time out there.

Larry and I, slightly intoxicated, getting our feet wet on Thursday night. A great start to an even better weekend.

"Cheeseburger" and "Dirty Larry"relaxing on the back deck.

We had just gotten to the house after 4 hours in the truck.

The weekend begins!

The foyer in the front of the house has the wheels from an old ship and one of those creepy giant nutcrackers.

...and here's the creepy nutcracker. This is the stuff nightmares are made of. There are three of them.

~~~chills~~~

Larry talked Marty into getting his first tattoo.

They found the kayak... they said they had to 'practice' before they put it in the water.

HAHA!

I love this house. This is the view looking the other way off the back deck.

GO 24!!!

We're Gordon fans in case you didn't get that.

Daytona International Speedway at the Coke Zero 400

Practice makes perfect... not so much.

They look pretty steady here but they tipped over and got plowed by the kayak plenty of times before Jenn and I could quit laughing and showed them how it's done.

We stayed out all day getting sunburned kayaking.

I have more pictures but they're not available to me at the moment... pictures of the rest of the weekend. I'll post them when I get them.

Riddle #3

2008-07-07T22:16:00.004-04:00

The answer?

SEVEN

Decapitate me and all becomes equal. (EVEN)

Then truncate me and I become second. (EVE)

Cut me front and back and I become two less than I started. (V)

HA! That was fun!

HAHA - I STUMPED HER!!

2008-07-07T00:41:00.002-04:00

Sarah doesn't know the answer to this one!

I posted a riddle she couldn't blow out of the water!

I like this one.... does anyone else care to give it a shot before I post the answer?

Riddle #3

2008-07-02T09:01:00.003-04:00

Let's try another riddle. Ready?

Decapitate me and all becomes equal. Then truncate me and I become second. Cut me front and back and I become two less than I started.What am I?

Sarah, fire away. :)

I. HATE. SPIDERS!!!!

2008-06-30T04:26:00.004-04:00

It's karma, I know it.

I used to pick on David (Pinky) all the time. I would pick up a daddy long legs by a leg and dangle it in front of him because watching him behave like a lunatic amused me greatly. Once, I pointed out one crawling on the wall behind him to watch him hop oh so gracefully over the bar... things like that.

I'm paying for it.

I was always the one person that didn't flee like a cockroach when you turn a light on at the sight one. I was ok as long as I could see the little joker. I mean, I'm bigger then he is by how much? and it's not like he's gonna jump ten feet to bite me. Flip - flop comes off, spidey goes 'splat', right? Not so much.

My entire right leg hurts so bad I can hardly walk - from the top of my thigh all the way to my foot. My knee is the size of a basketball and cherry red with a black hole the size of a quarter where the little f'er decided to sink his teeth in the back of it. I've had a fluctuating fever since Friday that has been so high I was dizzy Saturday night and I have an appointment to go to my favorite place (my doctor's office) Monday morning and have it cut open. YAY!! I'm just so happy I could pee!

You're jealous, I can tell.

From now on I run. Hard and fast. No more screwin' around. I'm sorry Pinky... it was ridiculously funny at the time, but now I know you're P.O.V. and it won't happen again.

I'm off to try to sleep through serious throbbing pain before the appointment I'm so looking forward to.

......whimper.....

OK so I lied...

2008-06-18T05:41:00.001-04:00

I disappeared again...

I'll try to keep up this time.

Really.

After much deep and profound brain things inside my head...

2008-02-03T11:48:00.000-05:00

I've decided to leave any changes to my hair in Becky's (my hair stylist's) caring, educated (key word = educated) hands.

This is why...

That doesn't even look like me!!

Rollers are bad.

December 11, 2007...

2008-01-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

...was the last time I posted anything here.

I won't let it happen again.

Grrrrr......

2007-12-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

Ok.... I was about to post a bulletin to let you know you should never to buy Kleenex brand tissues because when you go to blow your nose, they disappear mid-honk.

After that I was going to post an APB for my AWOL hair scrunchies. (I was gonna have them court marshalled.)

But they were all found yesterday. They were being held as POWs in a large camp behind "Fort Easy Chair" in a town called "Living Room."

They were all rescued (tissues and scrunchies alike) and their captor, Oliver Bartholomeow Tumblecat, has been taken into custody.

Just an FYI

Pinky and The Brain

2007-12-03T16:50:00.000-05:00

I give you Pinky. 'Drunken Stuper' Pinky.

My bestest friend.

Let's Try This Again

2007-11-30T15:54:00.000-05:00

Sarah correctly answered the last riddle I posted within hours of posting it. It took 2 days for the answer to that one to come to me.

Let's try this one...

My posterior is adorned with feathers. I have a rather long neck and quite a pointy nose. I am able to fly, yet I have no wings.

What am I?

A Riddle

2007-11-29T12:57:00.000-05:00

I am greater than God, more evil than the Devil.

Rich people need me, poor people have me.

If you eat me, you'll die.

What am I?

The Dress

2007-11-26T13:42:00.000-05:00

Lori and Sarah went bridesmaid dress shopping last week. They finally found the right color on a dress that's pleasing to the eyes. It's not easy to find that blue unless your intent is to showcase your boobage or blind everyone in the room with enough sequins that people mistake you for a giant royal blue disco ball.

Pretty, huh?

This is a better view, trust me. It's a lot less lumpy on the hanger rather than wrapped around my pudge. I have work to do. I'm not going to tell you what size it is, I'm just going to tell you that I had trouble zipping it up. Sigh. I have until April to get into it comfortably.

Bridesmaid's dresses are taken care of, tuxes have been handled... now we have to work on what the bride is wearing.

That said, I'm going to go stare at a treadmill.

Ollie says...

2007-11-25T23:06:00.000-05:00

uihjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjeyulk;hyujgft vlo, ;c hnjzxl

lk nxc 7 999999999999999999999900bgffvg

I was going to tell you about the dress I'm wearing at my sister's wedding.

I guess Ollie decided what was on his mind was much more important.

....and here he comes again....

hjgfiuooooooooooogbtrfe4w3q22222222222kjgfr4r5io8787klhjlkighyt hyu n bbv

Sincerely,

Oliver

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2007-11-22T17:12:00.000-05:00

WHAT THE....?!?!

2007-11-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

I have a tattoo that I'm thinking I want to have removed. It's nothing bad, nothing obscene... I'm just over it. When I started looking into the (legitimate) removal process online just to get a general idea of what it involves I never thought I would come across this.

You've got to be kidding me! Who would do this?!?!

I especially like the bit about the rubber dowel included for you to bite because "this process can be a bit painful."

Ya think?!?! Thanks for lookin' out, Captain Obvious.

What about the warnings at the bottom of the page?!?!

Would you iron a 5 year old's shirt after he put it on?
I guess that means it's ok to use on your seven year old that just had to have the Iron Maiden tattoo for his birthday last year?

Side effects include 2nd degree burns.

Really?!?! Who woulda thunk it?

"A small percentage of test subjects (squirrels) experienced complete loss of libido, severe psoriasis, halitosis and alopecia"

There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to start. Did you run this past PETA? Just curious.... how do you know a squirrel has halitosis?

I guess something should smell pleasant to try to cover up the smell of burning flesh. And really.... if you find yourself with an uncontrollable urge to eat the cream, it's probably not as bad as the paint chips and paste I'm guessing you chowed on as a kid.

Bon Apetit!

Freaks.

While We're On The Subject

2007-11-02T13:01:00.001-04:00

My sister was down visiting and, since we're such wonderful children, we were cleaning my mom's kitchen. She was washing dishes and I was hard at work eating birthday cake. (Hey, it's not easy being a human garbage disposal.) She turned around to say something to me and stopped short, stared at me for a second and then busted out laughing like crazy. Something was ridiculously funny. I don't know if it was that she didn't want to tell me or was just laughing so hard she couldn't, but I thought she was losing it. When I made it to the bathroom mirror I saw what was so amusing - a lump of blue icing hangin' out on the end of my nose. I guess I just have a gift for displaying my food on my face. Sigh.

What Are Friends For?

2007-11-02T11:43:00.000-04:00

You're at a cookout with a girlfriend of 5 years. You've seen each other at your worst. She likes her hot dogs burned. Black. After she finishes her hot dog, every tooth in her head is solid jet black thanks to the charred hot dog.

You have a choice. You can either:

A) Tell her about it and save her from total humiliation, or

B) Say nothing and allow her to smile like a jackass at that really hot single guy that showed up every time he walks by for the next two hours until you get in the car to leave.

What do you do?

If you picked A, you're a good friend. If you picked B, you're Jessica.

Thanks, man. I'll remember that next time the broccoli you ate for lunch reaches out to touch someone.

The M-ism

2007-11-01T12:42:00.000-04:00

I definately know one. Some days I want to give this person a Juicy Juice box and sit down with flash cards. 50-something years old, just as cocky as cocky gets, and knows everything about anything someone else is talking about, especially when the conversation is absolutely none of their business. One of those people that thinks they're so wonderfully intelligent when in all actuality, to say they have the mental capacity of a lawn gnome would be giving them too much credit.

Long story short, I am this particular individual's biggest fan.

I try not to let people get to me but because I have no choice but to spend a significant amount of time in this person's company, I have chosen to be the adult in this situation and tease this person behind their back.

HA! Chew on that!

I call the bad grammar, made up words, and completely senseless statements 'M-isms'. They are ridiculously funny. Just ask my sister (she's gettin' hitched, check it out). I share them with her all the time. We get a kick out of it. When I come upon new ones I'll post them so you can share in my 'adult' behavior. ~grin~

M-ism #1 - In a note posted for the cleaning company - "Please vacume."

Hey.... Webster..... got a minute?

Oliver Bartholomeow Tumblecat

2007-10-31T11:23:00.000-04:00

Yeah yeah. I know. Retarded name for a cat. Gimme a break.

Oliver: I just really like that name.

Bartholomeow: Come on! It has 'meow' at the end!

Tumblecat: He used to tumble down the stairs when he was a wee widdle kitten.

My Ollie-B

I figured I would introduce you. He's my baby, he's absolutely spoiled, and he's also the reason I'm about to fall out drooling on my keyboard. All he wanted to do last night was play. There would be no sleeping for mom. He was attacking my feet, attacking my hair, burrowing under the covers like a mole on speed, anything to get me to play. I did my best to ignore him. Until about 3am. --CRASH!-- I'M UP! ...I'm up. Damnit. He pushed the alarm clock off the nightstand. I got up, chased him around the room until he hid in the boxspring and I finally gave up. Did I frighten him into quiet? Nope. 5am - bite on the nose. Not a little nibble either. That little joker bit me hard and ran. Wuss. He was gone again though. Good. I start dozing off again and then.... Nascar in my bedroom. He was doing laps around the room, banking the turns! 6:45 the alarm clock goes off. This time I knock it into the floor and get up. What's Ollie doing now you ask? Curled up fast asleep on my - excuse me - his pillow.

Bastard.

I wonder if anyone would notice if I hid under my desk for a quick power nap?

Quote Of The Day

2007-10-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

-Unknown

illustration from draconika.com

Drunken Stuper Causes Blog Title

2007-10-30T12:06:00.000-04:00

Ok so you're probably wondering about the vodka thing. Well here's the deal. A good friend and I were out drinkin' on a Friday night (you probably guessed that much) and I was playing designated driver. I had a couple beers, he was drinking Goose on the rocks. LOTS of it. 3am rolls around, I get him stuffed (at this point shirtless and shoeless) into the passenger seat and we're on our way with him singing the Pinky and The Brain theme song repeatedly. Aside from the fact that he was way off key and my radio was broken, all in all it was a great night. Then - WHAMO! - blue lights in the rearview. 'Pinky' over there in the passenger seat was hard to miss. He was asked to step out of the car and did so with a bit of an attitude. Arms crossed, leaning on my fender he glares at this nice police officer. "Have you been drinking tonight, Sir?" Leaning forward, right in the officer's face, he delivers his reply... "Nope. And you can't prove it 'cause you can't smell vodka."

Smooth, man. Smooth.

I'm just glad this guy had a sense of humor. He turned to face away from Pinky (you never want to encourage a child behaving badly) and busted out laughing. I rolled.

You can't prove it 'cause you can't smell vodka.

All I Want For Christmas....

Ow.

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It!

All Dogs Go To Heaven

New Moon

HAHAHAHAaaaaaa!!!!

Unclaimed Property *MUST READ*

I found their diaries....

I love these guys....

Another sweet kitty.....

Dear MTV,

Helplessness

Cat Toys

Hey look more kitties!!

What is a blog?

Ok this is really hard...

I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh, look a kitty!!

Name That Bird

Playdog Centerfold

It's elementary, my dear Watson!

Mystery 2 & 3

Quote of the Day

I'm gonna be an EMT!!!

Three Mysteries

Riddle #4 Answer

Riddle #4

The most incredible thing I've ever done...

4th of July in Daytona Beach

Riddle #3

HAHA - I STUMPED HER!!

Riddle #3

I. HATE. SPIDERS!!!!

OK so I lied...

After much deep and profound brain things inside my head...

December 11, 2007...

Grrrrr......

Pinky and The Brain

Let's Try This Again

A Riddle

The Dress

Ollie says...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

WHAT THE....?!?!

While We're On The Subject

What Are Friends For?

The M-ism

Oliver Bartholomeow Tumblecat

Quote Of The Day

Drunken Stuper Causes Blog Title

Unclaimed Property MUST READ