Ow.

Found this in a Publix parking lot in Brandon, FL. My brain hurts now. Thank you, whoever parked this pile of zebra vomit there that day....

All Dogs Go To Heaven

When I was a kid I had as much trouble as any 10 year old sitting quietly through mass. We grew up Catholic and this is how I remember it...

Sit. Stand. Kneel. SHHH!! Sit. Kneel. Are your knees hurting yet? Ok, good. Keep kneeling. SHHH!! Stand. Sit. Kneel. Sit. Eat this. Drink this. Now put money in the basket.

The marquis by the road was the same as everything else. Very boring. It always had the same message. Someone may have reworded it occasionally but it always said basically the same thing. Something along the lines of: JESUS LOVES YOU or YOU ARE PRECIOUS IN GODS EYES. I got these pictures in an email with a note attached that said these churches face each other from opposite sides of a busy street....

Yeah! Take that!

New Moon

Sarah posted this and I thought it was pretty funny. I'm totally addicted to The Twilight Saga and I already saw the movie.

http://www.mamapop.com/mamapop/2009/12/5-reasons-i-am-not-going-to-see-new-moon-in-the-theater.html

The comment about Taylor Lautner made me feel better about the fact that seeing him with his shirt off made me want to lick the screen. Now I know I'm not the only one. I mean, he was Sharkboy in "Adventures of Sharkboy and LavaGirl" in 2005. He was what? 12... maybe?!

So how, in 4 years, did he go from "Oh how cute! I just want to pinch his cheeks!" to...

"Oh how sexy! I just want to pinch his butt!"

I still feel kinda creepy about the fact that I had thoughts like that about a teenager but at least I know I'm not alone.

I'm still definately Team Edward (Did I really say that? I'm such a dork.) but this kid kills me.

So yeah... Hi Taylor's mom!

HAHAHAHAaaaaaa!!!!

Holy poop this is funny!!

http://www.poop-freeze.com/

Unclaimed Property *MUST READ*

I was on hold with an office in Tallahassee for a Driver's License issue. The girl that I talked to told me I had unclaimed property and to go to fltreasurehunt.org to find out what it was and to claim it.

Turns out it was a payroll check from when I first moved back to Florida years ago and took a temporary job at a restaurant. That's a real bonus when times are so tough. I had no idea it was still floating around out there.

I just thought it might be worth checking it out to see if you have something like that to claim. It can't hurt to check!

I found their diaries....

Excerpts from the dog's diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from the cat's diary:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. ; I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

I love these guys....

...and I just keep finding more...Teeheeheeee....

Dear MTV,

I was scrolling through the guide on my TV today looking for something to watch besides Spongebob reruns when I came upon you guys. The program you have scheduled to play tonight at 8pm is called "Sex With Mom and Dad."

WTF?!?!

Oh, the chills!!!

That is disturbing on so many levels it makes my everything feel sick.

Ew!

I don't have any desire to know what that half hour of digital entertainment could possibly be about but I was just wondering... you know what.... never mind. I'm not wondering anything.

Bbbbbllbbbbblllaaaaaah.....

Helplessness

Grasping the sides of his ribcage and holding him as far as humanly possible away from himself, wretching (bad) the whole way, Michael gets his son Kyle to the bathroom as fast as one can run with a 2 year old dangling from the ends of his outstretched arms.

I couldn't stop laughing because when I came out of my room - on the other end of the house - I smelled why. My dad was busy running from room to room opening windows. It wasn't your typical baby poo. This house is quite large - 6 bedrooms and 3 baths large. Kyle lit it up. There wasn't a single square foot of living space that didn't smell like the re-incarnate of evil stankiness. Yes, its was that bad. Up his back bad and on his shoes bad, in fact. So, with both of them literally wretching, who do you think was going to clean up this bomb? Especially when all we could find was an old cloth diaper and a couple of safety pins? Me, that's who. These two men both have children -- more than a couple. I have a cat. My diaper changing obligations (even just wet diapers) are optional, and I haven't opted to change more than I can count on one hand in 25 years.

Men are helpless. Completely and totally helpless.

I have to give Michael credit for trying. He just wasn't going to be able to do this without projectile vomiting. And why is it that men look at cloth diapers like they're a joke? Anyway, I found this quite humorous and I know Lori's laughing. She's known Michael all his life too. Long enough to get a pretty good visual....

Men (when it comes to babies) = helplessness

Cat Toys

Oliver doesn't do cat toys. At all.

Rolaids, on the other hand, F'N ROCK!!!