Unclaimed Property *MUST READ*

I was on hold with an office in Tallahassee for a Driver's License issue. The girl that I talked to told me I had unclaimed property and to go to fltreasurehunt.org to find out what it was and to claim it.

Turns out it was a payroll check from when I first moved back to Florida years ago and took a temporary job at a restaurant. That's a real bonus when times are so tough. I had no idea it was still floating around out there.

I just thought it might be worth checking it out to see if you have something like that to claim. It can't hurt to check!

I found their diaries....

Excerpts from the dog's diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from the cat's diary:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. ; I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

I love these guys....

...and I just keep finding more...Teeheeheeee....

Dear MTV,

I was scrolling through the guide on my TV today looking for something to watch besides Spongebob reruns when I came upon you guys. The program you have scheduled to play tonight at 8pm is called "Sex With Mom and Dad."

WTF?!?!

Oh, the chills!!!

That is disturbing on so many levels it makes my everything feel sick.

Ew!

I don't have any desire to know what that half hour of digital entertainment could possibly be about but I was just wondering... you know what.... never mind. I'm not wondering anything.

Bbbbbllbbbbblllaaaaaah.....

Helplessness

Grasping the sides of his ribcage and holding him as far as humanly possible away from himself, wretching (bad) the whole way, Michael gets his son Kyle to the bathroom as fast as one can run with a 2 year old dangling from the ends of his outstretched arms.

I couldn't stop laughing because when I came out of my room - on the other end of the house - I smelled why. My dad was busy running from room to room opening windows. It wasn't your typical baby poo. This house is quite large - 6 bedrooms and 3 baths large. Kyle lit it up. There wasn't a single square foot of living space that didn't smell like the re-incarnate of evil stankiness. Yes, its was that bad. Up his back bad and on his shoes bad, in fact. So, with both of them literally wretching, who do you think was going to clean up this bomb? Especially when all we could find was an old cloth diaper and a couple of safety pins? Me, that's who. These two men both have children -- more than a couple. I have a cat. My diaper changing obligations (even just wet diapers) are optional, and I haven't opted to change more than I can count on one hand in 25 years.

Men are helpless. Completely and totally helpless.

I have to give Michael credit for trying. He just wasn't going to be able to do this without projectile vomiting. And why is it that men look at cloth diapers like they're a joke? Anyway, I found this quite humorous and I know Lori's laughing. She's known Michael all his life too. Long enough to get a pretty good visual....

Men (when it comes to babies) = helplessness

Cat Toys

Oliver doesn't do cat toys. At all.

Rolaids, on the other hand, F'N ROCK!!!

Hey look more kitties!!

I find these quite humerous. They actually make me laugh out loud. I guess being a cat lover/parent helps but I know a couple other people that will appreciate them also. Hope you at least get a grin out of them...

One question... my tissues have been.... fighting?!?

What is a blog?

I have been asked that question several times, but I never had the it put quite the way my dad put it today on the phone...

My Dad: "What's a blog?"

Me: "Well it's...."

My Dad (cutting me off): "I was thinking about that today and it sounds to me like one of those enormous boogers it takes two fingers to pick."

Me: --hysterical laughter-- (I have a gross sense of humor, I know)

My Dad: "So if that's the case, I'm glad I'm not a blogger... they have it rough. Which reminds me, next time you talk to your sister, tell her I said hi."

Hehe... hehehehe......... HA!.... HAHAHA!! .......Lori's a blogger.......

Ok this is really hard...

So once again I've been looking to food to fix, well, everything. Boredom, aggravation..... everything.

I started the 'diet' thing again yesterday. My fat clothes are starting to get hard to fit into again. That's sad. My sister used to call me "Skinny Minnie" but now my friends call me "Squishy." Seriously, I'm not kidding. Scott was trying to be sweet. I made a comment about my fat rolls a couple weeks ago and he said:

"You're not fat, you're..... you're squishy."

It stuck. Damnit. He was honestly trying to be nice (I think) but he fucked it all up. Boys tend to do that. So anyway I'm 'dieting'. For me that means eating normally. Only when I'm actually hungry and not eating cake or danishes just because they're on the kitchen counter when I walk by. You wouldn't think it would be that hard but when you've gotten into the habit of eating constantly... quite literally constantly, it's not so easy to do.

I'm cranky... very cranky...

I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh, look a kitty!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Playdog Centerfold

I give you 'Budley'. He's our very own sexy pinup pup.


Tell your poodle to wipe her chin. She wants him... you know it.

It's elementary, my dear Watson!

Mystery 1 - The maid. Mail doesn't run on Sundays.



Mystery 2 - He shot the mirror.



Mystery 3 - Frost forms on the inside of the window.

Mystery 2 & 3

These are kinda easy so here are both of them.

Mystery 2:

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.
He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

Mystery 3:

Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:
"I was walking by Mr. Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside.
That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Quote of the Day

When a woman steals your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Hehe....

I'm gonna be an EMT!!!

My mother reminds me constantly ever since my sister's wedding that I am quickly approaching thirty and have nothing to show for almost three decades of life. The last conversation started when a guy friend of mine came to the house to do some work she wanted done. This is how it went -

Mom (as he was pulling out of the driveway): "He was cute."

Me: "He's just a friend, mom."

Mom: "When are you going to reel one of these guys in and keep him?"

Me (to myself): "Thanks a lot, Lori. You just had to go and get hitched and point her in my direction."

I love my mother and wouldn't trade her for the world, but damnit man.

I don't care to have anything at all to do with men at the moment and I don't see that changing in the near future. But I am going back to school. Maybe that will ease the pressure a little bit.

Lori said one time that she wished she could float through life the way I do.

Be careful what you wish for.

It's miserable. Mom's right. I'm looking thirty squarely in the eye. I've never been in a relationship that had a snowball's chance in hell of going anywhere and once I had a high school diploma, the thought of going back to school only crossed my mind long enough for me to think "I'll do it later." It gets to a point where you honestly start to wonder what the hell the point of life is. When getting up to pee in the morning is your biggest accomplishment for the week you feel more than useless. It's seriously depressing. Big time.

So I decided it was time to establish a goal or two. And I did. I'm going back to school. I'm going to be an EMT. It's going to be expensive, and it's not going to be easy but nothing in life worth having comes easily. It took me almost 26 years to figure that out. Maybe if I stay in school for a while I won't get any more of the hints and/or direct questions as to when I'm going to find a boy and "reel him in." I don't know if I'll be able to handle the grandbabies comments. Did you get them Lori?

Anyway, I'm excited, I can't wait to get started and I had to share.

Did you give up on the riddles and mysteries Sarah?

Three Mysteries

I got an email that was titled "Three Mysteries" which was exactly what was in it... go figure.

I figured I would post them instead of more riddles. (My life is very boring at the moment. This is way more fun, trust me.)

So here's the first one:

A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police.

The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:

The wife said she was sleeping.

The cook was preparing breakfast.

The gardener was gathering vegetables.

The maid was getting the mail.

The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer.

Who did it and how did they know?

Riddle #4 Answer

Well Sarah, since you're the only person that ever reads my blog and Dad answered it without even thinking about it, here's the answer...

The Great Lakes

Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, Ontario

There are five, lakes being blue (as in true blue).

Lake Michigan belongs to the United States, the other lakes are shared by the United States and Canada.

The lakes are part of a chain, with locks between some of them.

Many shipwrecks occur by grounding on rocks in shallow water.

The initials spell "homes", which are found in neighborhoods.

Riddle #4

Five siblings are they, their color is true;

One belongs to one, four are shared by two.

Connected together, some by locks;

Many meet their fate upon the rocks.

Arrange their initials, and you should

Find things that are found in a neighborhood.

What has just been described?

The most incredible thing I've ever done...

Becky's 45th birthday - 8-8-08.

She originally wanted to go to Vegas because the Chinese said something about that date being the luckiest something or other and you're blessed to be alive on that day. How we ended up in Clewiston I'm still not really positive but I wouldn't trade that day for the world.

There aren't words to properly describe the experience but I can tell you that if you ever have the opportunity, DO IT. It's absolutely amazing to put it mildly. It's the rush of all rushes, the adrenaline surge of all adrenaline surges, and the escape of all escapes.

This was the easy part. Cheese for the camera, get into the plane with the tandem instructor. (Why are the hot ones always so damned short?)

It was a little Cessna 306. Held together with duct tape, carpet padding and paper clips. When I got in and looked around, I was glad I was jumping out...

In the plane with John. This was fun. I gave him shit but he could dish it out too. John, Lisa (the videographer) and I laughed hysterically for about 20 minutes up there.

The airport was the size of a dime and you could see Lake Okeechobee and follow the Okeechobee River all the way to where it emptied into the Gulf of Mexico from where we jumped out.

He said I was going to get a "1, 2, 3, go!"

He fibbed.

Grab your balls, ladies, here we go!

Now the best part...

It's indescribable....

I can't even begin to tell you how freeing it is.







It seems like a lifetime before you actually pull the chute but you only freefall for about sixty seconds. The ride after the chute is pulled lasts 6-8 minutes depending on how much you play while you're up there. I told him I wanted a wild ride so he pulled the toggles on the chute so hard and fast we flipped over the canopy about three times before we hit the ground. It's crazy to see your canopy and then the ground below you when you look up. It almost doesn't make any sense.

I'm addicted. I can't wait to do it again. Lori and Matt don't know it yet but they're planning on going with me for my birthday. 3/12/09 guys. Mark your calendar.

I'm going to see if I can get my video posted if anyone's interested. It's a lot more fun. It takes you from the beginning to the end. Sarah, how do I do that?